She DID, He THOUGHT...

A former member	Posted May 18, 2008 4:54 PM Link to this discussion
Post #: 81	Recently on an intro "date" at a local coffee shop, I purchased my drink after declining his invitation to buy. Later he told me that he perceived my action as disinterest in him. I've heard male friends complain about women and money over the years, but that one took me by surprise. Geez...and I thought chicks were sensitive! So my questions, for both males and females, are... Should the guy pay for everything? Should the person initiating the date pay? Should each pay solely for themselves i.e. "Dutch" until the relationship advances beyond dating? Guys Only: How do you perceive the situation if the woman offers to pay, but doesn't pull out her wallet? How do you let the woman know that you would like for her to make a monetary contribution toward the date? Edited by User 2,083,641 on May 24, 2008 10:48 AM
Bob	Posted May 24, 2008 8:31 PM Link to this reply
user 2326427 Glendale, AZ Post #: 77	Please define "'intro' date" and I'll be happy to share my thoughts with you.
Lee	Posted May 25, 2008 9:26 AM Link to this reply
user 6163911 Glendale, AZ Post #: 1	It is a lot 'cleaner' if you initially establish, especially on a first date, that you expect it to be "dutch treat"! Also, set a time limit, say 60-90 minutes for a first 'coffee/wine' meet date. Then stick to it! If everyone knows and agrees to the rules up-front how can there be hard feelings?
A former member	Posted May 25, 2008 2:44 PM Link to this reply
Post #: 82	Please define "'intro' date" and I'll be happy to share my thoughts with you. An "intro" date is simply an introduction to one another (applies to online dating). My standard is one hour minimum, two hour maximum (with exceptions, of course) during which we decide whether or not that which existed in Cyberspace does indeed exist in reality. In response to the other post, I do state that we "go Dutch" but this gentleman thought that I was joking. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of the situation. As there are no steadfast rules, at least I have yet to hear of any, I'm just curious as to the general consensus of the dating masses.
Bob	Posted May 25, 2008 5:03 PM Link to this reply
user 2326427 Glendale, AZ Post #: 78	Assuming an "intro" date is equivalent to a blind date, I believe that the best course of action would be for both parties to pay their own way.
Sky Davis	Posted Jun 15, 2008 10:33 AM Link to this reply
skydavis Group Organizer Tempe, AZ Post #: 39	From my dating experiences... (I think I'm a little old fashioned this way, and everyone is different) 1. The guy should expect to pay for everything, and I as the women should pay for secondary expenses. Like if we go to dinner and a movie, I should try to pay for the movie or ice cream afterwards. My exception is if I'm not sure about the guy I would pay for half of dinner, or my drink on the first date. My other exception is a vacation, I feel more comfortable handing the man cash for my "halves" upfront and then letting him pay bills. 2. Yes the person who initiates should try to pay the bill. 3. No, I believe the man should mostly pay until you are exclusive and then you should go "proportional" once both of you are clearly off the market. I've seen relationships really struggle trying to go dutch if income is too lopsided. Every Relationship is different and people have to find their own groove that their happy with... the key is communication :-)
Daniel	Posted Jun 16, 2008 9:01 AM Link to this reply
Daniel-O Scottsdale, AZ Post #: 9	This is an interesting question. I don't think the guy mentioned in the initial post was too "sensitive." In fact, I applaud him for having the courage to speak up about what he interpreted as a sign. And, I don't think he was entirely off base, as Sky (above) said she would pay her own way "if I'm not sure about the guy." My personal preference on dates is for the man to primarily pay, but there should be some reciprocation. If a woman is not rolling in money, she can occasionally invite me over for a home-cooked dinner and that's great. If she's OK financially, I like when she picks up the tab on occasion. I don't keep track and it doesn't have to be 50-50, but sometimes it is nice, and says she values our time out and is willing to confirm that by paying. Of course, I think age does play a factor here, and I cannot say the meanings or preferences for the 20-30 somethings. Now back to the coffee shop. In this age of Internet dating, I think most of us have been in that situation. I would also like to point out that many commentators on dating and male-female relationships have compared men and their money to women and their beauty. In other words, (most) guys have ego issues around their income, as (most) women have ego issues around their looks. If you disagree with this comparison, just take a look at the very wealthy, but dorky looking, guys who have beautiful (young) women on their arm. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but I believe it is true in most of America, and has been true for a really long time. So, there you are in the coffee shop. Your beverage is maybe $3-$5, and the guy offers to be a gentleman and pay the tab. Hey, it's EASY to be a big shot when we are talking about those prices, right? And, the lady in the initial post chose to deprive him of that (small) moment of glory. The equivalent might be for the guy to have said (in advance) "no, you can't wear that really cute, flattering dress when we meet." Or, "no make up today." (Remember: Money for men equals Looks for women.) So, what is going on here? Women gobble up romance novels and chick flicks like they are going out of style. Do I really think that the guys in romance novels let their women pay for their own Starbucks? Did Big ever let Carrie pick up the tab at one of their many expensive dinners out? I doubt it. So, on one hand, it seems (many) women want to be swept off their feet with romance and romantic gestures, and yet in this instance and others, they immediately squash the urge by needing to be "independent." What's up with that? And, finally, when I go out with a female friend--I have many--we always split the tab. That's what I generally do with a male friend, so why should it be different? So, I think it's easy for a guy to get the message that this woman is seeing him as a friend rather than a romantic interest if she is adamant about going "Dutch."

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